meetz

Anger. funny how anger seems to shadow every other feeling once it exits. So destructive.

I questioned myself on my understanding of friendship. I have very few, but wonderful friends. friends to die for because they were there for me when I was down in the dumps in past relationships. I remember this friend who rounded up the rest and rented a car, back when I had my episodes weeping in the park after terrible conflicts with the ex. Together they brought me to malaysia, cheered me up bringing me around to shop, talked all the nonsense in the world to make me laugh. And just becaused I said I didnt feel like going back to feel like I want to call the then-bf, they searched for a family hotel and we stayed the night, playing games and laughing ourselves silly.
2 years back remember this friend, driving Dan and I round Singapore and Malaysia to run a bazillion wedding errands, making himself the butt of jokes. And I remembered friends like this was one of the reasons we were still able to smile most of the time despite preparing for a customary wedding that both of us didn't want.
And this particular friend is a friend who ran off during my big day to get another bridal bouquet when my original one was dying. Which I actually didnt care about, but I still lost it at him on my bridezilla day for running off and not being around to help out before the banquet.

A great friend indeed, you'd say and yes i know.

I accepted the fact that each of us are different in nature, that we are different characters with different routes in life. While he was less down to earth, I choose to think at times that maybe with his certified higher intelligence than most, I wouldnt expect him to lead life the way I did with my undetermined level of IQ.

When I couldnt picture how a university student who does not have a rich family backing can afford to think that he need a car and think that he can afford to need one and it "really didnt cost much more than a bike", I voiced out in my usual bossy irritating manner, and only to give up giving advice in the end because of that benefit of doubt that perhaps he really could make it work. and that I should not impose my views.

In the process, I almost ended up being a co-owner of a car i could only afford half - oh yes the other half depended on trust in the other party to be able to pass me his share monthly. And long story short, i only have God and another friend and a very very ethical salesman to retract that signed contract and saved myself from years of financial trouble, because lets face it, we know where it would end.

throughout the years, I allowed many of my advice to fall on deaf ears. largely because I know we can never force advice on anyone, and a small part because I remember the good things this friend did and there was still a smaller part of me, as a friend, also hoping that he can make it.

I lent him money, i asked my husband to lend him money, and never asked for it back because he has been generous with us using his car.

I watch him not valuing a stable teaching job, and heard him speak of his forex dreams. I knew this friend always thought he was meant for something bigger. And when his dreams got too dreamy, I brought Shifu in for someone of high intelligence and high financial status, to deliver the words he needed to hear. that forex is for people with deep pockets

The rest and I saw clearly that a person should not venture into real estate with negative capital. The rest travelled to my ulu house specifically to talk him out of it. With our most fundamental knowledge that a person who has debts should take a stable job with any salary to manage the situation. not going into a job that only boasts potentially high income, possibly probably. but he was still so optimistic. and as usual, we gave up.

In my days of frustration watching him, i moved from lecturing vehemently, cursing in exasperation, to begging Dan to stop me from caring so much or slap me if I ever took it upon myself to scold a hey-esther-he-is-an-adult-and-he-is-older-than-u-so-he-has-his-own-life.

then another friend trusted him with an installment plan funded by his credit card. and he went into hiding while a buddy risks incuring a credit bureu bad record pending a wedding and house preparation. but concurrently, while I was out of the picture of this incident, I was shown a blog of a promising forex investor who was selling the idea of any one of us uninterested-in-forex-but-wanna-earn-money creating accounts, leave the funds and let him trade away. And I read the wise words and quote them as follows:

"Other factors that will lead to you trading profitably include good money management and self-discipline. Good money management will allow you to trade more objectively; you will be psychologically affected if the money you lost was meant for your car installment.

Of course, if you do not have self-discipline, you're bound to fail as well... Thus, I will dare say forex trading is easy, but it may not suit everyone."

those were his words. Concurrently with the mess he got a friend into. and when I confronted him when I learnt of the incident eventually, I was told that the matter was supposed to between the 2 of them.

i.e
its none of my business?
that i should oh, put what you did aside, and see your bright future as a forex trader, n perhaps even start and account with u or introduce others to, as support for a friend?
that i should, out of concern as a friend, trust that you have your life in order and you are ok?

Reading from the top, i wrote "friend" so many times. I dont wish to count.
And along with penning down the above, I have done all I can as a friend. and I should stop feeling guilty for giving up.