I suffer from night blindess

the inability to see is at its peak when the lights goes off... for a minute or so, i cannot even see a person in front of me. not unless they wear a shirt with glow-in-the-dark words, but then again those shirts might be so old and the words most probably dont glow after the washes..

I have realised the trick... its to look really hard, really hard. then you spot the area with a faint hint of light, probably moonlight spilled in through the gap in the blinds

and you focus, and you wil be able to see

It all depends on whether you want to see your world and crumbling, falling apart, shattering, destroyed

or heave a sigh of relieve at the remaining portions that you are able to retain, even if it is just a grain of something

It is great that God has taught me the need for happiness enough for me to want them for other people

It is great that He has blessed me with the ability to feel sad. so that i learn to recognise pain in others

It is great that He has led me to someone who knows what a smiling Esther really needs. stopping medication for a day, let her down 2 cans of beers, let herself go to cry about how much everything has once hurt her...
to allow her to let go and say how helpless she is despite trying so hard
let her say all the rubbish she wants about how the room is spinning
then hush her and tuck her to sleep...

I asked dan how he knew i needed this


"Just a gut feeling"



I feel so much better. so much better.
Hanging on to faith that this will work out in God's plan.

My Insatiable Appetite

Barely 4 months upon the purchase of the chioest phone ever, aka LG chocolate (sleek shiny black)


....





Im pondering a trade in for this

Save me from my splurging impulses... all Dan's fault with his gadget ogling habits... somehow staying with such a persons does influence me a wee bit

I heard we are still getting another increment notwithstanding MI

(stifles a giggle of excitement)





Sometimes i love being a civil servant.
Screw you stupid government-lamenting public,
WHATEVER!

++ Clinging to the rough edges ++

Lost my cool today

very not typical of me, the PR queen towards shameless damned cheapskates

Think i responded to that faggot's table banging, f-words throwing with "you behave, or get out"
had to call security. for the second time in my < 1 years job life here.

Guess i just snapped. From a thousand people chasing me for an impossible amount of work. otherwise a grain of chicken shit like him will never even come close to getting me down.

Spent like half an hour weeping in front of Dan after that while my dear pigu lovingly covered my duty despite her humongous pile of work herself

snapped. just snapped.

ironically i received my confirmation today. "Keep up the good work" it says
Good work probably meant me taking on all tasks thrown at me
Being that cheerful (hence can cope with impossible workload) girl everyone thinks i am

What people dont know is, i wake up in the middle of a sunday night, usually awake from a dream of unfinished work, sitting on the bed, visiting the loo, and all i can think of at 12 am is how to maintain the hyperlinks and htm doc for Aik to upload them. how to not mess up the files, the exel sheet databases i went through so much pain to come up with. how to organise the award ceremony of CPD as the chairperson

sucks













dunno how much more of this i cant take


Keep up the good work my ass.

To give a chance

Its funny how God works

Just in the morning i was pretty fed up with her. As her pp team leader i didnt sense her contribution for months. As a fellow colleague i dunno whether she is even trying.

Handed out tasks seem to be untouched. did not see the initiative

as my potential committee member for event im chairing, i fear to even name her as one.

Was so fed up, sent out bland tone email spewing out reminding sentences. Please take a look at bla bla bla and email bla bla bla to bla bla bla and also check on blablabla and get back to me.

Was so impatient, and this close to going straight to my boss to request for her to be out of my team

Lucky God dropped a little reminding drop of water on my head. Ting.

You were so busy feeling angry, you did not even give her a chance

Somehow with 1 hour alone with her in the room, everything made sense.
It cost her a lot of tears to bring out what she has been keeping within her for so long

Somehow i have never been able to picture her world

how to handle coming to work with an entire department who does not want to talk to you
with people whom u know dislike you, your knowledge to the extent of knowing "weird" "cant cope" being used as the adjective to describe you
Having a boss and a mentor so harsh on you
being deemed as less capable
resolving to withdraw and be quiet but yet still hearing things being spoken about you
struggling with tasks deemed as "a breeze" to oters
no one around to help. not knowing who to ask as you dont know what they have been speculating about you
with such immense negativity built on negative thoughts...

Thanks for the lesson dear Father

For what I can do

laments

yeah how can we end a working week without whining

being fluish, hence unproductive.

1)
Boss calls you a leader of a team. Then mock at your efficiency claiming "i give you the members, you must make use of them"

Detecting a fellow AO-drawing salary who does one zillonth of an average AO's task, I swooped to come up with a proposal to justify her pay. Someone who act blur act incapable of doing much without being all stressed up.

Boss asks "isit a lot of work??"

filling up 3 columns of an exel sheet of 8 columns, which is part of a tracking system i spent weeks with the rest of the team to devise up, and me doing the rest of everything, is a lot of work?
For someone getting fewer cases than I am despite not being full fledged yet. no extra tasks
what is she, the Royal Highness?

2)
Pissed with that same act-blur fella.
You can spend time devising idiot proof measures and guides, to hand her vetted stuff which screams detailed, couldnt be more comprehensible instructions
and she can hand them back in a smiley faced email completing only half of it. as if that major part of your work in different-colour ink handwriting was not there to tell her that something needs to be done

great at driving people to "fine-id-just-do-it-myself" extents

Call yourself an NUS grad. Its either you have no brains, or no work ethics


3) pissed cos that precious Frontpage installation and License does not work on my PC. so exclusive eh. only 3 out of a 100+ ppl in our dept gets it.
that just spells more work


4)
Cant stop sarcastic remarks being thrown at me. Just cos she is my boss, i have to take it all with a smile.

"Chairman of Rose 2007... face black black huh" cackles
"waaaa... u fell sick. was it due to the shock of announcing u as Chairman of Rose??"cackles
"Committee for IDG volleyball? later u faint again how???" cackles

If im licensed to kill, i will shoot the cackling daylights out of her

Dreadful 3 years to go.

Leaning on God..


i'm still thanking Him for my sisters and Dan in the workplace. very caringly and lovingly devised methods to lighten my workload. being angry for my circumstances so much that i dont feel as bad anymore

:)

I dont care. Much as she tries my boss aint taking away any of this happiness from me

+ moment of peace +

Am sick (sorethroat evolving into flu.. so typical... its like the germ's SOP)
Am pissed with my boss (reminding myself real hard that God is my master and not her)

But im happy :)
at peace when im with Dan. continuously for like 5 months with no quarrels. never ever thought this was even POSSIBLE in a relationship

He is just so calm... hhaha

Thank you Father, for leading me