sick at home

Its been a good half to one year since Ive been off on MC
Maybe i am depressed, i dunno..

Throat got infected on sunday, turned bad on monday morning, so went to the 24hr clinic. Paid like $57 bucks for fast treatment. Doc gave me 2 days of mc, so heck it. I took it.. even though work is piling crazy on my desk

Yesterday was bad, today im all better so im starting to feel bored waiting for Dan to come home. He disallowed me to go to work too, cos of my tendency to get "abused".. no one leaves me alone over there

Maybe my bosses will interprete this as my breaking point.. but you know what, i really dont care.

Maybe its seeing that pigu and laoshu are going to HK next week together, and i cannot join them because of my stupid frozen leave status, due to a systems project that is equally frozen

Maybe its guilt... guilt that all the energy I have left everyday is used to bathe and watch an episode of Friends (for sanity).. its been long since i can spend quality time with Dan. I guess its just made up for by the fact that we work and stay together.. but otherwise.. sigh. we almost dont work together too.. being in different teams and being in different projects. As my leave is frozen, we have to push back our travel plans too

Maybe its my family.. yeah left with just weekends for them. Drifting apart from brother too..

Maybe its friends.. I know some of them are really facing challenges now,but i can no longer be with them as before

So as i was telling Dan the other day, i wish to be so much better as a daughter, sister, friend, gf...

Why cant I?

Because they couldnt emphasize more, at work, that I am the "rising star" being developed. I have to take the harsh conditions together with the big bonus. So they are willing to decrease my public liaison duties to get me involved in high level political work. So I must work on a public holiday, I must come up with value added political stuff even though there are days I dont have any

So a shot at your career
VS
A normal life

I have not decided. this depressing issue had made me cry a few times. i really think im losing myself in this whole thing

Is this supposed to be?
That we can no longer be the person that we were when a job and realities of life sets in?

Or should I give everything up, just so i can go back to being myself?

my happy self? the giving self?


(*yah... 2 days off work and i dwell on such issues... anyone has answers, please)